The Answer Is Not Geography
Dear Margo: My husband recently received a lucrative job offer in another country (Australia) for a new employer. While I am excited, he is so respected in his work that I feel left out. Four weeks ago, I moved to Utah (where we are now) to rejoin him after a year of separation. He is often gone for work-related travel, and I am just getting used to life here, including job hunting and going back to college. Before this, we moved from Nevada to California for his job.
I kind of want my own identity, and I am still getting used to living with someone again. I feel somewhat selfish thinking of myself, but I spent three years in limbo in California. Part of me just wants to send him away and stay here on my own. I don’t want to hinder this opportunity for him, but I don’t wish to give up a life I could create for myself here. Is it selfish to decide to stay put, making my own life again? He’s not a bad guy by any stretch. — Lonely in Utah
Dear Lone: This decision must be yours. I would think the deciding factor would be the guy, not the place. (Though Australia happens to be wonderful.) I grew up in a home where my mother was willing to (and did) move numerous times. Her oft stated philosophy was, “You go where the grapes grow,” and that’s why as a little girl I thought my father was in produce. I believe anyone can make a life anywhere, but if you’re not committed to your husband and the marriage is on the ledge, stay where you are. Good luck doping this out. — Margo, independently
Persona Non Grata for a Specious Reason
Dear Margo: A close female friend of my boyfriend (she’s 38) is getting married, and according to the bride, I am not invited. My boyfriend of two years had an affair with a friend of the bride some months ago, and as a courtesy to this woman, I am “persona non grata” at the wedding. My boyfriend has promised to try to convince the bride to invite me, but he is otherwise helpless and undecided because he does not want to miss his friend’s wedding.
This situation is very hurtful to me. The affair happened during a period of time when my boyfriend and I were getting back together after a short breakup. This affair caused me a lot of pain, but I swallowed my pride, turned the page and am giving this relationship a chance. We are both putting in a lot of effort, and it is paying off: We are going strong and are talking about the future. Now this wedding situation is making the affair resurface again. I feel humiliated by the bride, and also by my man. I would be grateful to hear your thoughts on what to make of this situation, and what to reasonably expect of my boyfriend. — Distressed
Dear Dis: Undecided your beau may be, but helpless he is not. He should tell his close friend that, without his significant other, he will be unable to attend. There is no reason the bride should be carrying water for her friend at the expense of another friend. (A side issue: Your fella may have to weigh just how close of a friend the bride-to-be really is.) You can’t make your boyfriend see things your way, but do tell him this situation is coming dangerously close to “it’s her or me.” I, personally, would not think much of a romantic partner who was indifferent to my feelings and threw me under the bus so he could go to a wedding. — Margo, emphatically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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