An 11 Day Plan to Get Your ‘V’ Back in Shape for Sex

Editor’s Note: Who is the wisest of them all? Who is more dedicated to your pleasure than anyone on earth? Who can help you when you’re going online for the first time to find love; or when your lover’s children hate you; or when you want to strangle your husband? Why, the Love Goddess, of course. She promises nothing less than celestial wisdom, heavenly sex, divine dating. Read on …

Q: I’m divorced, dating again, and on the verge of sleeping with a wonderfully nice guy. I’m totally freaked. My heart is willing but my body isn’t. Help!

A: Oh dear, oh dear, I’ve been talking about the joys and pitfalls of dating again and forgot to talk about the most important thing ABOUT dating again — getting your wow-wow (updated from Venus’s term, which was woo-woo) in shape! Desire is not limited to the young, as we all know, but our tissue, like our faces, needs moisture!

The 11-Day Plan

Beginning ASAP, you’ve got to go on an 11-day moisture-replenishing, hormone-nourishing program. This is essential for postmenopausal women, (and even premenopausal vaginal tissue can use moisture like, say, Replens, which is found in drugstores and health-food stores). If you’re postmenopausal, and if your gynecologist isn’t the cozy type and you’re not comfortable talking about this with him or her, here’s what you do:

  1. Have your doctor prescribe a hormone cream (either Premarin or Estrace creams), as well as an estradiol tablet called Vagifem.
  2. Use the cream at least three nights a week for the next 11 days, and Vagifem tablets on alternate nights. I am assured by three excellent gynecologists that there is no systemic response to the hormones in the creams or tablets; that they moisturize and nourish just the surrounding tissue, which needs nourishment for the rigors and joys of renewed intercourse. (One of these three doctors suggests using the cream and the tablets nightly for 14 days.)
  3. Either way — 11 or 14 days — once you’re having sex regularly again, you can simply adjust your regimen so that you use the cream when you’re having sex and Vagifem tablets twice a week. (Here, it will be a personal matter of how to keep up the good work.)
  4. I suggest you also drink a lot of water, take flaxseed oil internally, and drink cranberry juice — not because these affect the vaginal tissue directly, but because they will aid in the overall hydration and lubrication of your entire system. You want to be moist, right?
  5. One more thing: Make sure, after having vigorous sex the first time — in a long time — to urinate immediately afterward and to drink at least 16 ounces of water. This will protect your urinary tract, and prevent an infection that could quickly ruin your good time. P.S. And I like coconut oil as a sexual lubricant, although Astrogel is created for that purpose.

Q: OK, Love Goddess, I now know how to get moist and ready for sexual activity, but one more thing concerns me greatly: The hair on my wow-wow (updated, as I said before, from Venus’s term, which was woo-woo), has faded. Some of it is even very faded — like, stark white. What can I do?

A: Ah, you will be back to your old self, color-wise, within five minutes — after you get either Clairol’s “Men’s Choice” haircolor, or Betty Down There hair color. Really. These shampoo-in products are inexpensive and perfect for your goddess spot, as well as for faded eyebrows. Many blondes who have searched endlessly for the right color have told me that “Men’s Choice” Natural Light Brown (M11) is ideal. To get Betty products, go to Some of my wilder friends don’t bother trying to make their wow-wow’s match the shade they once were. They go for Betty’s Fun Pink. Why not? And make sure to find the question asked on this page by “Dry Girl” and get that woo-woo into nice, moist shape for your new venture!

Have fun!


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